Where I have been? To Dallas. Only for the weekend, but I'm using it as an excuse for the lack of posting in the past few weeks. I was in Dallas for the American Physical Society Convention. The APS is big enough that it has two big conventions every year (and many small ones); I've never been before, because I hang out with the physics teachers more often. But 8000 physicists were converging on Dallas, and this year I had to experience it. One evening we played "Spot the Nerds" which involved identifying physicist clusters from the general population of downtown Dallas. It too easy when they left on the badges, but there were also clues like gender ratios (Ten men and one women? Physicists.) or not-quite-right fashion choices.
I was really there for a workshop being held before the conference. Because of the aforementioned gender ratios, some women scientists can use a little extra help negotiating the predominantly male culture of their workplace, and the APS offers workshops to train women in physics in communication and negotiation skills. And boy did I learn a lot.
Before I go any further, let me make a few disclaimers: I don't think poor communication or negotiation skills are special to women, and I bet many men could benefit from lessons like these. I'm equally sure there are women who wouldn't need a workshop like this. But I will say that the advice and techniques resonated with most every woman in the room.
First off, I was surprised in that women needed to be convinced that negotiation was important. I heard women say, "I trust my employer; he's a nice guy." and "I don't care about money" and "I should be grateful for a good job and not ask for too much money." The organizers' (terrific) answer to this was: you need to ask for the money and resources that you need to do a great job, because that benefits your university as much as it benefits you. (This was particularly meaningful to women raised in countries where it's not acceptable to ask for things for yourself, but it is encouraged to work toward the greater good of a group.) Next, we learned the important mantra, "Thanks for telling me that. I'll think about it and get back to you." This is for when someone tears you down, suggests something unexpected or inappropriate, or otherwise engages your emotions in a way that you can no longer function effectively. Get out, get a break, and then you can restrategize. I learned how to stride into a room, look someone in the eye, and avoid prefacing what I say with "I think" or "just". I learned how to sit at a table and take up space so that when I speak, I'm noticed. (Can you tell that an acting professor was one of the instructors?).
Most importantly, I learned two lessons. One is, go into a meeting and have a clear understanding of one thing (and only one thing) that you want that person to do for you. Second, when I go to negotiate or argue a point with someone, it's not simply enough to have my list of reasons why it's a good idea to do it my way. Reasons are good, but there are dozens of other tactics: appealing to morals, establishing common interests, bribing, begging, threatening, etc. Many of them won't be appropriate in your setting, but you have choices (effective choices!) beyond simply restating your reasons and hoping someone will eventually see the wisdom in them.
Now, if only I had some conflicts to resolve at work...
