Points of light

It's not quite like I have good days and bad days; it's more like I have mostly okay days, punctuated with very-not-okay moments. When I'm very-not-okay, I do not feel like posting on the blog, so that means that what ends up here should be steady writing.

I was thinking today about George Bush the Senior's "thousand points of light". I never expected to quote George Bush, but it is an apt metaphor to say that I have a lot of points of light in my life right now. I'm going to use this post to acknowledge them.

• In the first week, there was a great deal to do. I had no idea how much work needs to be done when someone dies: you may need to arrange housing and meals for visiting family members, pick up relatives from the airport, notify practically everyone you've ever met, decide what kind of funeral to have, find a religious leader to conduct it, and choose a funeral home. I leaned on a lot of people, and that got me through it. I have a core group of friends from our time at the University of Maryland, and I found I could give them assignments, like, "Please make sure my parents-in-law get picked up at the airport and taken to their hotel when they arrive from England," and it just got done. They cooked meals, spent time with me, arranged a memorial website, planned and paid for the meal after the funeral, and did a lot of driving. They did a lot of chores, without me thinking about it, so I could do the stuff no one else could do, like plan a funeral.
• One set of friends flew to DC the day after they heard about Andrew's death, just to keep me company. One of them, R, spent the next ten days with me. He took all that time off of work, and was simply there for me. He made sure I drank enough water, and that I always had tissues to cry into. He took notes on tasks I needed done. He chauffuered relatives. He even went with my mother and I to find a dress I could wear to the funeral.
• My job was great. I've only worked at my company for three months, but they cobbled together enough accumulated vacation time, comp time, and bereavement time that I could have a funeral and spent time with Andrew's family before heading back to work.
• My family and Andrew's family have been wonderful. They all got here as soon as they could, and they grieved with me. My in laws shared stories of Andrew when he was a kid, and my niece and nephew put on a play in which their roles were "Aunt Renee" and "Uncle Andrew" (because that's how you make sense of stuff like this when you are four and seven).
• I'm also grateful about paperwork. Andrew died without a will, and I was prepared for months of paperwork, probate, and court dates. But we happened to be in a sweet spot - we had paid off our debts but not accumulated much savings, which meant that I qualified for a super-straightforward version of probate that was completed on the spot. Within one day I had transferred his assets to my name, including the title for the car and motorcycle. Working with government bureaucracy is not my favorite activity, but this couldn't have gone more smoothly.

These are all people and situations that I wanted to publicly acknowledge. I am so grateful for the friends, colleagues, and family that help me DO all the things that needed doing. The rest of the grieving takes time, but I can do that at my own pace.