My brain is slow these days. I can see it in my need for nine hours of sleep every night, in my inability to do much beyond the basic chores of working, making dinner, and feeding the cat. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by dog care that my parents are took Ada the dog back to Ohio for a few months. And at work, I'm doing my job reasonably well, although more than once my boss has come into my office, asked me to do something, and then once she left, I just didn't do it. Because I forgot.
I've been wondering what my brain is doing, if it's not managing my life. I know that I'm "processing", but since my job is to think about learning and cognition, that isn't a sufficient explanation. Luckily, I've been reading a book about research on grief. (And right now, all the academics are nodding, thinking, "I'd want to read about grief research too, if I were grieving.") I finally got a partial explanation of what my brain is doing. I know that brains automate a lot - we have routines for doing lots of things, so we don't have to think about them very much. But my routines, and my assumptions about the world, were challenged. How many places should I set at the table? Who walks the dog? Do I say "we" or "I"? Suddenly I have to think through everything very carefully, because everything is new and I can't trust the world to behave in the way that I thought it did. So I can't do as much, or as quickly, because I have to constantly test if what I'm going to do is the right thing.
I like knowing what's going on in my brain. But it is still very, very hard waiting while it figures out the world again.
8 comments:
I know what you mean. I lose focus - I start a job and somehow it doesn't go as smoothly as it should. Yesterday, I was making a cheese on toast snack and I went to put the butter on the cheese instead of on the bread. Tiredness is another problem, sleeping but not feeling refreshed - it's going to take time.
The whole "I"/"we" thing took a really long time for me to adjust to. It was very difficult. At the same time, part of my brain was always thinking weird things, like assuming he'd just come back sometime. When I went through the closet to get rid of all his clothes (months later), I had this horrible sinking feeling and these thoughts about how I couldn't get rid of his clothes because what if everything is a mistake and he comes back, what will he wear?
At the same time that I could think that, I would know how silly it was. The thing that was hardest for me to process was the reality that he was gone, gone. People in our lives come and go, but you consciousness know they are somewhere else even if they aren't in front of you or even someone you communicate with a whole lot.
But death... it redefines gone as "no longer accessible, at all." It was very hard for me. I guess that's why I eventually did seek out a church and found myself as a UU. I needed something to hold onto... even if it's still vague.
Okay, not to bore you with my experiences...
All these things are normal with grief. I did a lot of studying of it too (because I felt like something was wrong with me at times). I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help. But I know that I cant fix it.
(I hope I don't sound insensitive!)
Its good to know what is going on in your brain even if you can't do anything about it. I can see why this process would be very exhausting. I am thinking of you often and sending you love.
That is very interesting. We do sail through our days doing things automatically or by habit.
You are doing well in so many areas already. I know that doesn't make the hurt go away though.
Ada says "Hi", which is wag wag. :)
I think you're way ahead of most people who are experiencing similar because of your training in the ways of the brain. Unfortunately knowledge of what is happening doesn't replace the need to go through what is happening to get to the other side.
I always find it very frustrating, this lag between understanding conceptually and our base, monkey brain taking much longer to actually process. I love your explanation though - it gives me new respect for change and how we take our brains for granted.
We were in Scotland this weekend and I was thinking of you a lot. Pretty much any time we are in a northern bit of the UK I think of you.
I think you are doing amazingly well considering what everything you have had to deal with. I believe emotional tiredness is actually more tiring than physical tiredness. Just know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. You just have to take each day, each moment as it comes and handle it as best as you can. Be really easy on yourself. . . your world has been turned so upside down and it will take time for it to right itself (however in a different way than you knew). Just know that you are loved here on earth as well as from heaven above.
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